"Instantly Slims You"

With the arrival of hot weather here on the East Coast this week, I pulled out my old, comfy shorts.  After a good, hard look at said shorts, I decided that I needed to buy a couple of new pairs that aren't so ragged and paint covered.

I went to the local department store and found shorts of the required length.  Now, these are not just any shorts!  The bright green label on the front of the shorts scream "INSTANTLY SLIMS YOU".  I figure I can use all the help I can get.  I attempt to work out on a regular basis (You know, like once a week.  I don't want to be excessive about that exercise thing.)  So, I figure I can use all the help I can get.  I pick up a pair and look more closely at the labels.  "Tummy Control"  and "Slims Your Figure" are listed on this tag.  Sounds like a winning combination to me.  The shorts are on sale, so I buy two pairs. 

I brought the shorts home and went back to my room to try them on.  I was followed by the two cats, who are always intrigued by the large plastic bags that they can jump onto and roll around in.  As the cats waited patiently for their new toy, I explained to them that these shorts were going to solve all of my problems.  They would suck my tummy in for me, and take a couple of inches off my profile, and I'd look even better than I already do.

I pulled on the first pair of shorts, buttoned them up and turned around to see the cats staring at me.  I swear, that if those cats could laugh, they would have been rolling around on the floor, holding their stomachs and pounding the ground with their paws.  As it was, I swear I could see Luna, the female, shaking her head in pity.

The shorts did feel a little odd.  I could tell my stomach was sucked in, but there was definitely more going on.  I slowly walked over to the full-length mirror, dreading what I was going to see.

You've heard the phrase "muffin top"?  Muffin top doesn't even begin to cover what I saw.  Have you ever gotten a really loaded ice cream cone?  You know how it's all stiff on the cone part, and then where the ice cream part starts, there's a ton of ice cream just pushing out all over the top of the cone in every which direction?  That was me.  Ice Cream Top.

Yes, the shorts are slimming.  They take an amazing two inches off of my stomach.  The question I should have asked myself at the time is; "What happens to all of that fat that's no longer on my stomach"?  It's being pushed up above the waist line on my pants, that's what's happening.  I look like I have a 2 keg beer belly pouring over my belt.  The pants are stretch pants, but I honestly feel like I'm stretching them to the very last inch of their stretchiness.  If I stretch them out any more, they are going to explode off of me.  Try explaining that while handing out food at the middle school picnic.

The funny thing is, I bought a regular, non-slimming pair of capris from this same manufacturer in this same size last month.  They still fit me just fine. 

Nursing my bruised ego, I pulled the shorts off and took a closer look at the interior construction.  There is a control panel across the front of these shorts.  It looks as if I can take the control panel out with some patience and a good seam ripper.  Hopefully, once the control panel is removed, then all of my flab and fat can distribute itself where it normally sits around my tummy.   It's a little easier to hide that tummy when it's evenly distributed. 

While I'd really, really like to whittle a couple more inches off my tummy, I think I'd be better doing it the old fashioned way with diet and exercise. Or maybe a pair of Spanx.  Yeah, maybe Spanx AND my slimming shorts...