My son's friend, Patrick died this past week in an accidental fall.  He was 19.

This week has been an eye opener in the hurtful things people say.  Whenever I have talked to somebody who has lost a loved one, I usually take food to their house, give them a hug, and chat about whatever they feel like chatting about.  Look at pictures?  Sure.  Buy a water bottle to help fund an outreach program in memory of a child?  Yes.  Cry for an hour?  Yes.  Ask them out for lunch after the funeral is over and everyone has gone home?  Without hesitation.

But, these are the things people have said to me.  I am not the parent of this young man.  I am a friend of the family.  If people are saying this to me, I can't imagine what they are saying to the family.

1) At least he died doing what he loved.
WTF? 

2) The good news is, he didn't leave behind a wife or children.

3) I'm sure his funeral will be standing room only. 

4)  What do you think his body looked like when they found him?

5) So, you're a family friend.  Tell me, how are they doing?
Hmmm.... I'm not going to gossip, but if you are so damn curious about how they are doing, CALL THEM, GO VISIT THEM.

6) What do you think his parents are going to do with all that money they saved for his tuition?

7) He did what he came here to do, and now he's moved on.

8) There's a reason for everything.


The list goes on.  I have been appalled at what I am hearing from "people" who "just want to know more".  Hey, the family has released what they are comfortable with.  I'm certainly not saying anything I may have heard from anyone who may have been sitting at a table with me and crying.

I did see the father out yesterday.  He was running.  Running and crying.  It literally broke my heart.  I had to pull over so that I could cry, too. 


In case if you're wondering what to say to someone who has lost a child, here's a list, from Grief.com:  http://grief.com/10-best-worst-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief/

1) I am sorry for your loss.
I'm not an immediate family member, but yes, I am still grieving.

2) I wish I had the right words.   Just know I care.
I've  heard that, and received a hug with this.  It helped.

3) I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help you in any way I can.
Don't just offer help, DO SOMETHING.  Take them out to lunch in a month.  Bring them food.
Show up with a rake and trash bags and rake up their yard for them in the fall...

4) You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

5) My favorite memory of ___ is:

6) I am always just a phone call away.
Hey- here's a thought - call that person on those significant days in the future: birthday, anniversary, death day...

7) Give a hug...and keep coming around again and again, and hugging them again and again.