First, Mom is sometimes doing better, sometimes not. We've had some touch and go moments. She's no longer in the ICU, but she's not home, either. The second surgery was very, very rough on her. She is very, very weak. We don't know if she'll ever be able to live independently again.
Health
You know, we tend to take our health for granted until we don't have it any more. Mom always made fun of people who watched what they ate, exercised, and called people who went in for routine screenings hypochondriacs. She's always said she's not afraid of death. I've always said It's not death I worry about. The problem is what if you don't die. With modern medical technology, you can survive some pretty heinous things, but it definitely impacts your quality of life. At the time, I was thinking of a stroke, because she had stopped taking her blood pressure meds. Turns out, this is pretty heinous, too. The incision from the second surgery is still open - they're wet packing it and letting it heal from the inside out. An incision that runs from breastbone to pubic bone - and its open. And every time they go and repack the wound, they cut out more necrotic tissue.
Starting now, I will take better care of myself. I will do some form of exercise every day. I will get my routine screenings done, even if they're messy. I will continue to lose weight and make it a priority to eat right.
No excuses.
Living
My mother has always been a difficult person to deal with. I'm trying to be kind here. She's never gotten involved in the community in any way. Not even when we were in school was she involved in our activities, and she discouraged us from being involved. So, yes, she moved a year ago to a new town. Since I've been out here I've run into people I know from high school and their parents. She's refused to greet them or talk to them.
Now, as I sit here beside her hospital bed, it's just me & my sister. No friends popping in to say hello and lift her spirits. No flowers or cards except for what the two of us have brought in. It's really very sad.
I'd like to think that I've made friends during the years, and that if I were sick they'd stop by to bug me and lift my spirits.
Starting now, I will work hard to nurture my friendships and let my friends know just how much I love them. I'm appreciating how much joy they bring to my life more than ever.
Dying
I'm not saying my Mom is dying, but I have been thinking about death a lot over the last couple of weeks.
I was with my Dad and husbands Dad and my favorite aunt in their last hours. They were gracious and loving until the end, treasuring each last moment they had with family. Even though they were uncertain about where their journey would take them next, they were determined to enjoy life until their very last breath. All of them had diseases that would make any of us quiver- and yet they faced their end with grace and dignity.
Mom has been yelling at us to stop talking. No singing. No stories. Don't hold her hand. Refusing to talk to her brothers on the phone. We've had several maudlin deathbed scenes over the last 12 days as she's played out her death again and again. (And we just had another one as I was editing this.)
I don't know how to approach this one. I will enjoy every now moment that I have, because we never know when our last moment will be.
As for death itself? I am not certain what comes after this life. I have faith that there is something waiting for me in the next life.
Do you remember the scene in Harry Potter when Dumbledore discusses death with Harry?
"After all to the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." (J.K. Rowling)
Time to work on organizing the mind.
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