What Would You Do?

A not so hypothetical question for the parents and want to be parents out there:

Your teenage daughter/son comes home and tells you that they have found out they are going to have a baby.

What is going to be your response?  How are you going to handle this?

No, none of my children are in this situation.  I ask because I hear of this situation a lot.  Obviously, at this point it's too late to have "the talk" about protection and prevention.  What, as a parent, are you going to do?  Your child is terrified, and they are going to look to you for guidance.

Nobody wants to think about this situation, but it happens.  Even with the easy availability of birth control.  Many parents shirk the sex talk with their children.  Whether you have a boy or a girl, the act of having sex can cause the formation of a new human.  I've had very frank discussions with my children about sex and birth control from the time they began middle school.  Sadly, kids can and do get pregnant early.  As soon as girls begin menstruating, they can get pregnant.  And the onset of menses is getting younger and younger.  Our middle school has at least one  pregnancy each year in the student body.  If you talk to the shell shocked parents, they'll blankly look at you and say "I never thought they even knew how to do that.  I never even thought it was possible to get pregnant that young.  I thought we didn't need to have that talk until they were 16."

Here are several real life actions by parents that I personally know.  Agree or disagree with them as you will....

1)  At the age of 16, L. and her boyfriend found out that she was pregnant.  They approached their parents.  Her parents promptly told her that she was going to finish high school, and go to college.  They would do whatever it took - as a family - to raise that little baby so that she and her boyfriend could get an education.  His parents agreed.  After much discussion, the young couple got married and moved into her parents house.  In home childcare was provided by both sets of grandparents while L and her boyfriend finished high school.  A young set of adoring aunts and uncles helped constantly.  The grandparents all chipped in for preschool so that L. and her boyfriend could go to college and not worry about childcare.  Both graduated from college in 5 years - and co-oped during that time.  They parted ways very amicably a few years later.  Both are very successful professionals now, over 20 years later.  Their daughter recently graduated from college.

2) A. found out she was pregnant at 19.  When her boyfriend found out, he left her and never looked back.  His parents told her that "anyone could be the father", and refused to submit to a DNA test.  A. told her parents that she was pregnant, and they promptly threw their pregnant daughter out of the house.  She worked at Wal-Mart full time, but as anyone knows, Wal-Mart wages barely cover living expenses.  With no place to go, she ended up in a shelter.  She carried the baby to term, and is attempting to make ends meet and raise the baby while working at Wal-Mart.  She's been on the list for subsidized housing for almost a year.  In the meantime, she and her baby have continued to live in the shelter.  Her parents, who are local, refuse to acknowledge her or their granddaughter.  A family friend recently took in A. and the baby.  The parents now refuse to speak to the family friend, telling her that she is enabling the daughter's bad decisions.

3) C. and J. found out that they were expecting a baby at the age of 20.  They were Juniors in college at the time.  The parents on both sides got together and insisted that they finish their college education, and provided financial support to them both until they finished. C's father told her at the time, "If I don't support you now, the system will be supporting you for the rest of your lives."  Both C. and J. continued to co-op through college - alternating one semester of real world work with one semester of college work.  The grandparents paid for child care for their grandchild for the duration of their kids' college degrees.  C and J finished college 2 years later.  That beautiful baby graduated with her PhD not too long ago, and her parents are still very happily married.

4) K's family had recently moved to a small town in the middle of nowhere when she was 15.  Months after the move, she told her parents that she was pregnant.  Her parents promptly threw her out on the street.  She moved to a warmer climate, and with no way to support herself, she turned to prostitution.  The state took her baby away from her months after she was born.  K. died months later when a client killed her.  (K. was my friend freshman year of high school.  I remember the day her family moved, and I was devastated when I found how she had died. It still bothers me, and it's been over 30 years.)

So, what would you do if your child came to you and told you that they were about to become a parent?  How would you react?

More importantly, have you had quiet, calm discussions with your teenagers about sex, love, and birth control?  Have you discussed your values and expectations with them?  Are you the first voice your child will hear about morals and values?  Your kids really do want to hear what you have to say - if you can say it in a non-judgemental, loving way.

Work at keeping those lines of communication open.  You need them during the teenage years more than any other time of their lives.  Listen to what they have to say, consider it, and answer them respectfully.  It's hard.  Very hard.  I won't lie.  BUT, it is crucial that these lines be open through their teenage years.  So much happens during middle school and high school.  I have always been grateful that our kids will talk with us about anything.  I still get a little thrill when I hear the words "Mom, I need to talk with you, and I need your opinion." 

That's when I'll take that child, we'll go get an ice cream cone, or a snow cone, or a coffee, and we'll sit in the car where nobody else can hear us and talk through their problem.

It's been 2 weeks since my last deep conversation with one of the kids.  So thankful he thinks enough of me that he wanted to have this discussion with me.